It is both a blessing and curse to feel everything at once. A blessing? Because sometimes we feel so much that we can’t even feel anything. And in times of the circumstances in which we find ourselves struggling, to feel nothing is better than feeling something. A curse? The other half of the time we aren’t blessed, we’re feeling rather trapped within our own minds. To have a desire to scream out loud that is stopped by the knowledge that maybe no one will hear us.
As human beings we find ourselves analyzing everyone around us. In a day, how many times do you look at someone? And all jokes aside, how many times a day do you genuinely look someone in the eyes? To look into the eyes is to take a look into the soul and more times than not it is the way to figure out the darkest secrets. But, be smart. Looking someone in the eyes can be that of another mind game that humans love to play. You see grey, and blue, and it reminds you of a time when everything was right in the world but then you see past it all. Behind every pair of eyes is a set of stories that have been pieced together from the very moment you were put onto this earth, and although you may not remember most of them, you somehow always remember the people who looked you in the eyes; but past the colors that seem to distract everyone else that had looked at them any time before.
Our stories, they shape us. We should be proud. But to take our own advice would be that of a pride issue, huh? I believe firmly that we were put on this earth to meet other humans who will slowly, but surely compliment all of the stories behind our own eyes that they, will never be able to piece together like we do. To be able to find humans on this earth that understand us in our own minds seems to be a task unmatched. But in all reality, if everyone believes these thoughts, then how hard is it really? You know when you hear someone say “that’s my person” or “that’s my human” it is truly hard to recognize the qualities of the general meaning of these statements. This goes into the thoughts of everyone being different.
Different expectations of what trust is.
Different expectations of what loyalty is.
Different expectations of what love is.
But without recognition to the differences that we see everyday; skin color, sexuality, gender, culture, and dog preferences, how can we ever truly be united with another human; let alone an entire world? Losing a human who was close to you is hard, as I am finding out, but it’s not always the way that we feel that teaches us the most. It’s the void, the space that seems as if it can’t be filled. Its the different expectation of falling and knowing that you’re not going to be caught. Its the different expectation of knowing that you will never talk about the world the same way again. Its the different expectation of the thoughts throughout the day not being able to be said out loud, because do they really matter?
When we were growing up, we tried so hard to fit in. To not be different. To dress the same as our classmates and not speak out of line and to tell secrets about the other girls, to whisper loud enough that the girl we didn’t like heard her name but we made sure she couldn’t hear what we were saying. Everything needed to be perfect. In high school, we became mean girls who hated ourselves more than anyone we ever claimed to hate, and we still tried our best to not be different. Everything needed to be perfect. Finally, getting to college, where you can be who you want and love who you want because its finally accepted, but we fall back into our old habits when things go wrong. Everything needed to be perfect.
My thoughts today? It’s okay not to be okay. Its okay to have your days where you don’t come out of your room because of something so simple as they said they “hope we make it” when you wished they said “yes, we will make it.” Its okay to overthink to the point that you forget your own name, because there will always be a laid back soul to fit perfectly with yours. Its okay to plan your future, its not that far off. Its okay to think but not say, just as it is to say but not think (take note that this can cause many days of not speaking to someone!) Its okay to know what you want. Its okay to not know what you want. Its okay to put on the happiest face that you own so people don’t ask questions. Its okay to feel and its okay to be numb. Its okay to love and it’s okay to lose, as long as you always learn. But above all, and the hardest part of our short lives, is to forgive. Maybe not “forgive and forget” like we swore by in high school, but to forgive is to start on a trail back to the one we love; the correct one.
To hurt, it hurts. To love yourself, its damn hard. To love someone else, even harder. Everyday that we run out of space to breathe is another day down, another day gone. Now you, you can take your days and hurt as bad as your body will allow, but I promise that there are better days. You can mess up the best thing in your life, but if you don’t ever forgive, it will remain. You can hold hate in your body for as long as you can, but you know that you can’t hate something that you deep down love more everyday. And you may wear the biggest smile, you might even fool yourself somedays. You are okay, You are fine, but we all know thoughts consume your brain and your ruined plans are nothing but a distant dream. No one is telling you to wake up, but always remember that better days are coming. As long as you know theres a light at the end of the tunnel…
you can do this.
Take your space. Take your time. Take a breath. It will be okay. Never, never forget that you have no idea what someone may be going through. That person you look back at in the mirror should be as proud of you as the people are around you. It does not take a great past to make a great future, so I’ve come to understand. In life, people will hate you, people will betray you, you will hurt people, you will fall in love, and you will lose your entire world.
But in the things you can control;
and you will be that much more loved.