2016 lasted forever, and we all feel it. But before you jump right into another 365, let’s talk. Shall we?
It’s December 12th. Why do an end of the year blog with 18 days left? I will never admit this again, ever, but my world has come crashing down one piece of me at a time every month since this year began. 18 days in, I lost a woman who meant more to me than anyone I had ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I became someone I didn’t recognize. I lost a piece of my mom, my dad, my brother, everyone. We all weren’t whole. We will never be. I swore Gram sent someone to fill the void, 9 months of the void that was filled strategically only half empty. I got my bestfriend back after 8 long months of silence, only to lose her as she broke my heart worse than any significant other could ever imagine. I once again became someone I didn’t recognize, as I found myself I found love, I lost love, and I forgave some people who I never thought I’d ever be able to look at in my entire life. I spent weeks away from home, I spent weeks on another coast, I spent time with my parents, I spent time with people who changed my life, my mind, and the way I see the world, and I spent time with people who I will never desire to look at again. I spent time hating girls that I didn’t even know (xo lovies) and I spent time letting almost my whole soul be known. 2016 was a mind game. It was a “here be happy but not really” disaster. But I’m sitting here with 18 days left realizing that I let this happen to me.
I realized a lot. People never mean what they say. People will hurt you and act like it’s your fault, they’ll tell you to move on when you confide in them just so they can work their way in to pick up what you left off, they will come back to you and tell you that you changed their lives just to show you that you never really meant anything to them. I realized what it’s like to have a broken heart, yeah that was new, and I realized that a person who can let you go to sleep upset, uncertain, and unhappy is someone who never really loved you anyways. I realized that promises do not mean anything. They don’t mean a thing on paper, in diamonds, or in pretty blue boxes that are officially my least favorite color. I realized that people don’t want what’s best for you, they don’t want you to excel, they don’t want you to be happy, they want you to live a life that isn’t better than theirs. I’ve learned a ton about surface level people, girls to be specific, and how threatening it seems to have a mind that thinks more lavender and lilac than black and white. I’ve learned to look through people, I’ve learned to self destruct, I’ve learned that my parents are always right about people, and I’ve learned how to actually hold a baby and not cry when they start crying.
I forgot I don’t do normal.
I forgot that extraordinary is my favorite word.
I forgot who I was in 2016.
But these next 18? Getting ready for something in 2017 that is unsaid. The next 18 days are not for you to go crawling back to the person who took your heart out of your chest and stomped on it. This is me telling you that they never loved you, you don’t miss them as much as you think you do, and you will always deserve better. The next 18 days are not for you to tweet about how horrible 2016 was and how horrible you had it. Write about it. Talk about it. Don’t tweet “new year, new me” because I’ve learned no one cares whether you change or not. You must be a new you, for YOU. The next 18 days are not for you to try to apologize to everyone you’ve hurt this year via text message. It doesn’t work like that. People will hold anything bad you’ve done to them over your head. Let them. Stop going back to someone who will never leave the door open.
There is nothing that anyone can say to you to make you feel anything different than what your mind grants you. I’m sick of hearing “people cannot take back what they said. People cannot take back what they did. People cannot forgive, people cannot forget.” And what does this say about your character? It screams “People cannot be human.” To be among 7 billion other humans is an honor. Look at all of the knowledge that stems from the minds of the individual. Learn from your mistakes. Not everyone is always going to be on your side, not everyone is going to have your best interest in mind, and not everyone is going to turn out how you think they are going to. We must remember this. We are all human yes, but we do not all have the same hearts. (Because that would be too easy!)
This is your year, I feel it. Its your turn to prove to yourself that you are here for a reason. Smile, and don’t stop until its a real one. Eat healthy, eat a cookie, go out to eat by yourself. Love yourself. 2017 needs to be a year that you love everything about yourself for 365 days. The days that you don’t, I’ll be here to remind you. You are beautiful, you are lovely, and you are extraordinary. Stop letting people who do not take the time to know your mind, take your time. Time is precious. Stop wasting it. If it doesn’t feel right, get out. If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it. If you want something else, go get it. Stop being second to yourself; and be yourself. How beautiful is it to see someone believing in themselves wholeheartedly. A good lover loves their own body before tracing someone else’s. In 18 days, how much can you leave behind? How much can you bring with you? How much of your mindset are you willing to change. How much of your body are you willing to love. How much of your soul are you willing to show, how much of your time are you willing to spend. 2017 is the year we start looking at life as a journey, each day a footprint. We are so fortunate and lucky to live on an earth so knowledge rich, so technologically advanced, and so beautiful. Stop the hate, start the love, and lets move forward.
For the next 18 days, I have taken 7 of my favorite words to live by. Many of you have asked about the waves I’ve been drawing on my pictures, on my snapchats, etc. The waves are my symbol of consistent progression in life. Like waves in the ocean, life has shown me that no matter what, there will always be a cycle of (tides) highs and lows. Some waves are huge, some waves are tranquil. Some you can surf on, some will kill you, and some are meant to knock you down. However, there is a consistency that the ocean provides. Keeping calm, staying even, and taking a deep breath are all in relation to the consistent crashing to shore that waves take ownership for. Oh yeah and waves don’t die. (hey Kanye hope youre hangin in there) STAY STRONG FOR FINALS, stay strong. The headaches are worth every glass of wine and laugh you’ll be having a week from now with the people you’ve missed the past 4 months. Blessings and Happy Holidays to you and your families this cold season, don’t forget to put your phone down and focus on what’s in front of you. Keep a look out for some writing here or there on VSCO, feel free to email as many of you have, and keep an open mind for 2017.
See you next year, I heard you were something else.